


There are no puns about petting zoos.

by goldspark



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Fluff, GAY GAY GAY, M/M, john winchesters A+ parenting, literally what the fuck is this, lots of gay, who needs Jesus anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 16:44:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10312652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldspark/pseuds/goldspark
Summary: This is crack that is cute I guess. I haven't watched past S9 so fuck that cannon shit I'm sticking to this AU premise like glue.LETS CHOOF ON OFF HUNTIES





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You've GOAT to be kidding me!!!!!111!1!!1!

Sam had been having quite a nice day until Gabriel Novak sprinted past him in the corridor screaming at the top of his lungs. It fact it had been a pretty damn fantastic day, he’d gotten the A he needed in maths, his brother had finally sorted stuff out with the Castiel guy he never shut up about (seriously there was only so much staring a guy could take) and his Dad had announced he would be returning early from his latest business venture in order to spend some time with his sons. He didn’t think anything could bring down his mood, then he saw the goat and the pig, cow, sheep, goose and holy crap he’d better run the hell away before he was trampled to death by angry farm animals.

That was how he found himself sprinting through the corridors of his high school next to a boy he barely knew being pursued by what looked to be the entirety of the town’s local petting zoo. Great.

“What the hell did you do?!” Shouted Sam, twisting round to see how much the animals had gained on them. It was a lot.

“Bella said she hates animals,” he shouted back whilst pulling Sam out the way of a wall he was about to crash into due to him looking backwards “so I thought it would be funny to introduce her to a few of the towns less humanoid residents” He paused as they both skidded around a corner at high speed, the cow crashed into the wall behind them “Plus she made fun of my brother, Nobody makes fun of my brother!”

“So you let the petting zoo into the school?!”

“Yup!”

“In here!” Sam yelled, puling Gabriel into a janitor’s closet. They both waited for the rampaging heard of animals to pass before speaking. “I’m Sam by the way” Sam wheezed, out of breath from their impromptu cardio workout.  
“Gabriel” Said the other boy. It was pitch black in the closet but Sam could practically hear the smirk.  
“I know” He muttered whilst leaning back against a wall. Gabriel was the school trickster and arguably one of the coolest guys in the school after putting speakers in the school air vents playing a voice saying “Let me out” on repeat. The school searched the vents for hours until they found the speakers and by then the fire brigade had been called. Or the time he put the school on eBay, hired a band to follow the principle all day, turned the main corridor into a slip and slide… Sam could go on. The point was that everyone knew who Gabriel Novak was.

“Oh?”

“Your reputation precedes you.”

“Good to know.”

“Yeah” They were quiet for a while   
“What’s your brother called?”

“Why?” Gabriel asked, also breathing heavily

“You said Bella had been dicking around with him or something and that’s why you…"

“Oh yeah that, She’d been giving him a hard time over going out with this Winchester kid. Asked me not to tell him though said something about ‘not wishing to instigate a murder’ whatever that means.”

“Oh Dean is not gunna be happy” Sam groaned, letting his head fall back against the wall.

“Who?”

“My brother, Dean, is the guy your brothers seeing and seeming as the truths probably gunna come out now you’ve let the petting zoo loose in the school Bella will be lucky to survive the week.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.” They were silent for a while longer, listening for any sign the animas might be returning.

“Wow Sam, is that a broom or are you happy to see me?”

“That is a broom Gabriel.”

“Oh so it is.” There was a long pause “We should go round up the animals now.”

“Right… can’t we just call animal control?”

“I like to live on the edge Sammy”

“Sam.”

“What?”

“My name is Sam”

“Yes it is.” Sam felt a hand clap his shoulder “We should go get the animals before they kill someone.”

“Agreed” There was a long pause “You should probably check if there gone.”

“Why me?!”

“Uhh you’re bigger than me?” Gabriel stated as though it was obvious then, sensing Sam’s confusion, elaborated with “It would take longer for the creatures to devour you giving me time to run away!”

“Why do I have to be eaten?”

“One of us has to survive to tell heroic stories of the other one and it may as well be the more handsome of us. Although…” He trailed off suggestively.

“Ok fine I’m going!” Sam fumbled around for the door handle before stumbling out into the corridor. It was empty. “Hey I just had a thought.” He said as Gabriel cautiously edged his way out of the closet behind him. He turned around and grinned “Hey, you finally came out the closet!”

“Shut up Sammy” Gabriel muttered “What was your thought?”

“Oh yeah, shouldn’t it be lesson changeover right now?”

Gabriel looked around “Yes I do believe it should”

“Right” their voices echoed around them “What do we do now?”

“I suggest leaving.”

“Good plan.”

Both teenagers bolted for the fire exit but only reached the halfway point before Sam felt a sharp pain in his shoulder “What the hell?” he reached up to touch what felt like a dart and a look at Gabriel confirmed his suspicions. They had been shot by animal tranquiliser. His last coherent thought before giving in to his sudden exhaustion was ‘shit’.


	2. Why????? I don't know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crack crack crack crack crack cra- I don't understand this or have a scedual but lol let's go!  
> Have some destiel!!   
> (๑╹ڡ╹๑)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol enjoy- this got more attention than I was expecting so I guess I've gotta actualy write this now, add some comments whith what you wanna see in the plot and I'll make it happen.  
> Thanks babbbeeeeassss xx

Chapter 2

“An animal tranquiliser?!” Gabriel yelled at his brother Castiel “They shot me with a bloody animal tranquilliser?!"

“Yep, I believe they…” Cas trailed off into chuckles.

“They what?”

“They…” He took a breath to compose himself “thought you were the goat” he finished, still smirking.

“I hate you.”

“I know. I’m probably not Dean’s favourite person either seeming as you got his little brother high on animal tranquiliser.”  
“  
"Wait did you say Sam’s here?” Gabriel sat up, excited despite the slight pounding of his head.

“What?” Cas looked up from the magazine he’d been leafing through “Oh yeah, him and Dean are in the room next door. Sam’s still under though.”

“How does that work?” Gabriel asked, looking around for pain killers “He’s giant, shouldn’t it have worn off him first? Ratio or something. Aghh” he clutched his head “do you have any aspirin? Head hurts like a bitch.”

“Yes but I don’t want to mess with whatever they’ve pumped into you here, you can have some when we get home. Also…” he folded his arms and leant against the wall “since when have you had such an interest in science?” 

“Since I had the most awesome prank idea ever, you in?”

“Depends,” he sighed “how could anything possibly trump letting a petting zoo into the school then getting shot in the process?”

Gabe sighed and lay back down “How’d you know it was me?”

“Who else would it be?” Cas rolled his eyes “You know I can take care of myself Gabriel.”

“Yeah? She called you a fag and outed you to the entire school Cas” he leant forward and raised his eyebrows “what where you planning to do about that?”  
“Hack her phone to play ‘you a stupid hoe’ on repeat, full volume, all day, every day.”

“What, seriously?”

“Yes!” He frowned and muttered “I’d just set it up as well.”

“I’m proud of you Cassie!” Gabriel laughed “so when is this set to happen?” 

“It’s not now. I figured she’d suffered enough when the moose ate her hair and bag” 

“Why the hell was there a moose in the petting zoo?”

“It was a special exhibit,” he put the magazine down on the bedside table “actually…”

“Wait hang on” Gabriel interrupted “You never told me why Sam’s still out.”

“Actually,” Castiel rolled his eyes as he continued “That’s the reason Sam had twice as much tranquiliser pumped into him as you.”

“What? Why…” 

“They thought he was the moose.” Castiel turned to stare at him seriously. It lasted ten seconds then both brothers where laughing uncontrollably.

===

Dean shuffled nervously around his brother, still knocked out by the moose tranquiliser. Cas had texted him about ten minutes ago saying that Gabriel was awake and he was heading over as soon as he could and although the fact that Cas was on his way did make him feel ridiculously happy given the situation (Oh god he was so far gone) he was still anxious over the fact his little brother had been shot with a moose size dose of tranquiliser. 

Also the fact Bella had outed him and Cas to the whole school, that was a thing as well. 

It wasn’t like they hadn’t been talking about coming out anyway but the way Bella had put up posters was just… ugh. He still remembered the look on Cas’s face when they’d walked in to school to find A4 posters of themselves making out on basically every flat surface the school had to offer and now he finds the bitch’d been giving Cas a hard time on top of that with the name calling and... Bella better watch her damn back is all he’s saying.

“Dean?” 

“Cas!” Dean whirled around to see his boyfriend standing in the doorway “it’s good to see you man” he dragged Cas into a bear hug to end all bear hugs.  
“You too” Cas smiled against his shoulder, returning the embrace “Gabriel’s awake and complaining as usual although he does seem eager to see your brother. How is he?”

“Still under” Dean released Cas to grab a couple of breakfast bars from his bag “Hungry?” he offered one to Cas “I know you were here all night and haven’t left your brother alone long enough to get any food yet.” He added when Cas started to protest.

“Thanks” Cas took the bar gratefully, he took a bite then said “Gabriel was the one who let the animas in.”

“Yeah I figured” Dean rolled his eyes “did he say why Sam was with him?”  
“No…” Cas sighed “He let the animals in to spook Bella Dean.”

“Which brings up my next point,” Dean sunk down into one of the plastic chairs, pulling Cas down onto his lap. He rested his chin on his shoulder whilst hugging him tightly from behind “What did Bella say to you?” He asked gently.

Cas smiled. Dean was a member of the school football team with a frankly worryingly vast knowledge of weapons and fighting techniques who fixed cars in his spare time. In other words he was probably the toughest guy most people would ever meet and Cas loved that side of him, he truly did but it was times like this when Dean held him close and spoke softly to him or got ridiculously embarrassed on a date or… basically what he was trying to say was that Dean had a soft side reserved only for him and that thought alone was enough for Cas to practically melt into his boyfriends arms. 

“Nothing.” Cas muttered, his head leant against Dean’s.

“Really? Because Gabriel wouldn’t pull something like that unless there’s something you’re not telling me” 

“Correction: Gabriel would defiantly pull something like this and” he sighed “I think you already know Dean.”

“Yeah” at that moment Sam’s eyes began to flutter open “We’ll talk about this later okay?” Dean pressed a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s temple before untangling himself to check on his brother.

=== Three and a half hours later ===

“And then this cyborg guy says ‘I killed the dinosaur’ and she’s like ‘well why the Frick you do that’ and then this other guy... are you even listening Sam? Sam? Sammy? Moose?” 

“What?” Sam groaned, looking up from where he had been lying with his face in the pillow trying to get back to sleep, to look at Gabriel with groggy, puppy dog eyes. Gabe would be lying if he said his heart didn’t melt a little at the sight of it.  
“Pay attention to me!”

“I have been paying attention to you for the last three hours Gabriel, my head hurts.”

“But I thought you liked my stories” Gabriel whined bouncing up and down where he was sat cross legged at the foot of Sam’s hospital bed. Dean and Cas had skipped out to the local diner the moment Gabriel had made it into Sam’s room leaving him and the moose to ‘keep each other company’ which, to Gabriel, meant talking and lots of it.

“Your stories are just the plot lines of the last four seasons of doctor who. Please Gabriel; I need to sleep” He sighed and added” In case you’d forgotten I just got shot with a moose tranquiliser.”  
“  
"Actually it was a goat tranquiliser but” Gabriel smiled “Twice, to represent the all-round dooshdom of the moose” 

“Hey” Sam cracked an eye open to glare at Gabriel through his hair “I’ll have you know Moose are very majestic creatures and goats” he gestured at Gabriel “Just eat everything, all the time”

“Hey!”

“It’s true,” Sam turned his head to smirk at Gabe “If they can’t eat it they’re not interested.”

“Now that’s just incorrect!” Gabriel said indignantly.

“Yeah?” Sam propped himself up on his forearms to look at Gabriel.

“There quite into repopulation too”   
Gabriel smirked and winked at Sam 

“Yeah well,” Sam chuckled as he pushed himself up to sit against the headboard whilst running a hand through his hair. Gabriel thought it was adorable, actually he thought everything Sam did was adorable in a really quite attractive way and… basically he’d somehow managed to contract a crush on the youngest Winchester. Now he just had to figure out what to do about it.


	3. Author note

And then this fuckin monster thing BURST in and was like "YO GON FAIL YOUR A LEVELS IF YOU DONT HALT BEIN A TRASH HOE" 

Sam grasped and was all like "oh fukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk" then gave said "I don oh fuck I gotta start a new

Line "I don't know what you saying I ain't been no hoe!" 

Then the monster called college was like "shut the FUCK yo mouth and embrace the Lord" 

Gave was like "oh man okay" and spread his legs like a slut he was and college was like

"WTF I meant stop sinning you holy water chugging bitch" 

"I ain't gone stop my hoe butt Ima stop being trash so I ain't gone fail" Sam just fuckin SCREAMED like an owl or some shit idk it was like I recited all of legally blonde the musical backwards but like really REALLY high so you couldn't tell.

And then college was like "it's alright have some cookies there dope" 

Then Sam said "id rather actual dope bc like STRESS" and college BANNED HIM FROM SPEACH 

So like yeah lol I'm on hiatus fuk me but like read my other fic bc it's super good 

ILL PROBS BE BACK SOON ONLY THREE WEEKS LEFT OF EXAMS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuUUUUuuuuyu


End file.
